life has been discouraging lately. extremely so. it’s nothing new to me, but i was looking forward to at least catching a breath away from the toxicity of the shit my life (more specifically, my family) throws at me.

the unbloggable nasty things are behind me now. i need to get down to business in coping with them. but any time i even attempt to share this bit of myself, i just hear the violins playing as if i’m whining about it. i’m not. this is my reality.

but i would sooner keep things to myself than fulfill this fear of coming off as someone who uselessly whines about the unchangeable. i’m very self-protective. this inhibits me quite a bit.

in short, all i want is a little bit of stability and a chance to make progress on my own life goals, and my search hasn’t even gotten me to the same universe as stability. in part, i had hoped that acquiring/finishing my education would help. it has not. so now i’m left wondering if i just haven’t gotten there yet and need to keep working and waiting, or if i am totally on the wrong path.

it’s not all negative lately- i’ve scored a lot of points in my work life. but having success in my career does not, on its own, make me satisfied with my life. this is part of what i’m fighting with.

or maybe i’m just being impatient. i have impatience in bulk quantity.