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one more weekend to go. i want nothing more in the universe than to just get this shit over with. i’m in a holding pattern, waiting for clearance to land.
[unrelated note: someone found my blog by searching for "how to throw around attitude." that = awesome.]
so leigh and her spouse are searching for some good hard rock/metal for their overnight car ride coming up in a few weeks. if this one is anything like the last one, there will be two cats in the back of the car who will not shut up the entire time. (i even dosed them diazepam last time- not sure if it was pilling the cat fail or sedative fail. likely the former.) we need some good tunes to power us through the overnight jaunt through all terrains while the evil banshees wail in the background.
among others, i’m checking out the new mudvayne album. (ok, not really new, it came out last november. but i’m behind on my music.) i spotted one of their earlier cd’s titled LD50, and this derailed my music search train of thought.
ahh, the throwing around of pharmacology. as my years in this field go by, i get more and more irritated with the cavalier attitude surrounding pharmacology in popular culture. particularly neuropharmacology and some of the more in-depth areas in which i specialize (but don’t pointedly disclose here). i just have some thoughts on the issue that i’m gonna put out there.
how many kids buying this album titled LD50 had half a clue what that meant? pharmacology references are so common in popular culture, yet very few people are getting the real reference here. LD50 stands for “lethal dose 50%” or the dose that will kill 50% of the subjects tested. so we’re essentially talking about death by overdose. not an atypical title for an album, or a song, or a tour. but why bombard the public with these references they’re not getting, about things they’re already likely to be familiar with? they’re already bombarded with images of society-defined “glamorous” people doing drugs (and landing in the hospital, rehab, the morgue). if we’re going to throw these terms around, can we use context? make use of teachable moments rather than the didactic “don’t do drugs or else” line?
more importantly: why does popular culture portray the risky, potentially harmful stuff about drugs as the “cool” stuff, the “sexy” stuff? this is totally adolescent.
i go out in public and in conversation i sometimes tell people what i do for a living. and (after i explain that i don’t work in a pharmacy) i almost universally get some very interested questions about drugs. people don’t know anything about drugs, but they want to know. it’s for their own good to know. but the science intimidates them, they don’t think they’re smart enough to understand how all this stuff works. when you explain it to them in practical terms, it makes a difference.
it is our job as scientists to take things we understand and communicate it in a comprehensible way to those who don’t understand. we have some dismal public relations. but people close to me have responded really positively to having someone to ask candid questions about drugs.
as far as i’ve seen, worse yet are the people who think they know it all. there is a certain danger in knowing enough to get oneself in over one’s head, but not knowing enough to be fully informed. you get the same general pattern of responses here in conversation, and it simultaneously frustrates me and makes me sad.
pharmacology is relevant to everyone. it’s in the choices we make every day. it surrounds us, and yet in general people don’t understand how drugs act the way they do.
so what we get here is that we’re going to take these knowledge-starved or even misled people, particularly the more at-risk teenagers, and we’re going to bombard them with pharmacology messages in pop culture that sound cool. then to top it off, we’re not going to teach them anything practical about pharmacology beyond the oft-repeated “just say no” slogan that by now has to be meaningless.
does anyone else see this is a big problem?
you have to see this – some really, truly awesome art. i’m absolutely tickled to see science portrayed like this.
dear best girl friend,
you have always been the one to better express feelings with words, but i’m going to give this a shot.
we met more than half our lifetimes ago, with no clue how much we already had in common. we fought once and only once. after that, you were like my sister. i don’t remember the early days so well, and you know the reasons for that. but you and i lived through some very thick shit by sticking together. especially back in the days when things were dark and dreary and we both lived in the old neighborhood by those railroad tracks. we always propped each other up, we always stood up and supported each other.
you saved my life. for that, i have always been grateful.
you are probably the only person in my life who can understand what kind of twisted shit i come from, and how that makes me who i am today. even my beloved husband, try as he might, can only try to grasp the circumstances that shaped me. i know yours tries too. understanding is such a rare thing in our respective family situations, and i am so grateful that you are my friend.
when you call me and need to talk, you know i will always be here. i can’t tell you how thankful i was to have someone to talk to tonight, who could understand my seething anger at the intense stupidity of a certain family member. nobody else could have comprehended that, but you did. you totally got it.
i’m also thankful for someone who will always be happy to drink two (or was it three?) bottles of wine with me and play cards and bullshit until the wee hours, or talk smack about cars, or curl up and watch movies, or get together with our beloved husbands and sit around a fire, or whatever.
i’m thankful for a friend who cares enough to write me the most beautiful email ever in response to my graduation announcement. in it, you told me that you may not have always been the greatest friend. but one line in that email- the one that hit my reason for doing all of this straight on the head- could have only come from my greatest friend.
i love you like my sister. thank you for being my best girl friend.
leigh
it won’t be long until i’m out of here. in fact, over the last several weeks, my presence in the lab has been pretty minimal. (wonder if the boss has noticed? hah.) between searching for a job and writing the document and everything else going on, i haven’t really been too available to the younger grad students and the gaggle of undergrads. or, if i’ve been around, i’ve been fairly temperamental (uh, more than usual, i should say) and clearly immersed in whatever actually brought me to the lab.
as the local senior, i played the part of mostly-somewhat-benign ringleader of the grad/undergrad grunts. they bounced ideas off me and discussed papers with me. i worked with them on diagnosing their tweaked assays, showed them how to use lab equipment, helped design experiments with proper controls before such things were bounced off the boss. i became the local grunt authority on how to talk to the boss and how to benefit from whatever response the boss gave (this is a learned thing with our boss), and when was just a crappy time to go bringing bad news.
sure, there was my grumpy old grad student ‘get off my lawn’ schtick. one has to instill fear and respect in the people who come to ask you questions. knowing leigh is dangerous when angry is sufficient to keep them from pissing me off. this ensured they approached carefully, rather than barging in when i was busy with something of my own.
well, the youngest of our long-term people has now been here for over a year, and i think people have learned to do without me. now, when i take a day to work from home, i don’t have email pouring in or come back to notes on my desk.
as the eldest neuro-concentrating grad student, and with the 2 years of entering classes after mine totally lacking anyone in the neuropharm labs, i’ve also served as a role model (the only more senior role model) to the massive influx of 2nd-year neuropharm grads. i love these kids. this cohort, who have pretty much all asked me for advice on their qualifying exams (and i helped as many as i could, but damn, there are a lot of them who took quals this year) are trying to get time in to pick my brain.
i’m proud of them all, but simultaneously kind of sad they don’t need me much anymore.
now…
does my boss feel the same way about me finishing this thing i set out to do? that the last several years of mentoring have shaped me into a fine scientist, but all the mentoring that can be done has been done at this stage? that i’m leaving the lab to go learn from someone else, and start a new life and the next stage of my career?
the boss has been really, truly awesome as an advocate for my career. always pointing me in the right direction, giving solid advice, always ALWAYS going to bat for me. but the boss does not show silly things like emotions, i am far from the first phd to graduate from the lab, and i am left to wonder what the boss thinks.
it’s kind of strange, this whole transition.
on my ventures to find a postdoc, i ran into some environments very different from my own here at mega u. i wasn’t seeking a job at any top-5 school. in fact, after a 5-year sentence at mega u, i rather wanted out of this racket.
but in trekking through various non-top-5 places, i found myself thinking absolutely snobbish things about the differences between mega u and the places i was considering as my new lab home. that’s what i get for trying to break away from a toxic, twisted environment. you get punished for long enough, you start to think you deserve it or something. the new environment isn’t punishing enough. i don’t know.
i spent some time wondering if i really wanted to leave behind the environment at mega u. after all, this is a unique place with a lot of opportunity. there aren’t many like it. but it is also a place where the general attitude is kind of a turn-off.
upon my return from the place that will be my new home, the reality of my present situation soon struck me and i remembered the reason that i wanted out of this place. then i got back full-circle, wondering wtf i was thinking, being hesitant to let this shit go.
i found a place that is going to be good for me, both for the skills and the career mentoring. i’ve found faculty that all seem interested in me, rather than only having my phd mentor here at mega u. (not that my mentor is anything other than teh most awesome if you take the initiative and know how to use the time you get. but the more perspectives, the better.) the environment is collaborative, rather than everyone for themselves. this is what i was looking for as a grad student, and was sorely disappointed.
i have high hopes for this new life i’m about to start.
we’re down to a single-digit number of days until d-day.
i sent off the copies of the dissertation and got the required letters from people in the department. i did the format check, corrected the minor revisions, jumped through the annoying hoops and paid the (absurd) fees. i scheduled my exit-survey and exam-card-collection appointment.
i just ran the last of my data collection today, and tomorrow i’ve got a little bit of analysis to do.
after that i’m waiting for the rest of my time to pass. really, i’d rather jump in and get this over with. the sooner i can clear this shit from my mind, the better. i’m ready to go now.
i say for sure now that the hardest part of grad school is this very last part: getting out.
have you ever walked through a room
and it was more like the room passed around you
like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through?
yeah that was my day today. sleepless again after an all-nighter, but the dissertation is done.
and
i officially haz teh awesome postdoc job lined up.
i am celebrating by doing absolutely nothing of value tonight. this is the first night that i am shutting off in weeks. weeks!
last night before thesis goes to committee.
it’s getting late.
i have been fighting hard with the organization/flow of my conclusions section all weekend after Teh Boss pointed me in a different direction from my original draft.
and just as i’m about to give up and knock myself out for a few hours… the really good shit starts flowing off my fingers. i mean, the brilliant shit that only occurs to you when it’s really late, you are totally exhausted, and you have less than 12 hours left before this shit is due.
fuck you, dissertation.
dude.
they totally think i’m all brilliant and such shit.
either they’re total suckers for believing that, or i don’t give myself nearly enough credit. because that was fucking effortless.
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