i am going through some serious mental strain with all the deadlines about to hit me… giving me major flashbacks… anger, frustration… residual issues that i have refused to cope with rearing their ugly heads… making this a particularly intense feeling of overcoming a mountain to get where i am today. funny, this kind of stress- the kind pushing me to reach this final goal i’ve been chasing just to prove them all wrong- the one where i tell the statistics to get fucked- is the thing that jams the blade in up under my ribs.

girls like me? we marry men just like the ones we grew up with. WRONG.

girls like me? we become addicts. i’ve had my experiences, but in the end, WRONG.

girls like me? we have records. yes, i was arrested once. the DA was dumbfounded at what would lead anyone to think it wasn’t self-defense. they wiped the charges from my record. so, WRONG.

i relive those and other moments far too often lately. but there’s no time to run anywhere with my horror stories now.

on one hand, i hope i walk into that defense feeling every second of the uphill battle to get here. i think it would be practically insurance that i got up there and defended this thing like a rockstar.

on the other, x more weeks of this will break me.

and that leads me to what i was getting around to saying… i am seeking solace in music. from my fellow uphill battlers, fighters against the naysayers. and for all the bullshit the guy spews, this one excerpt really struck me… and i find it oddly comforting.

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in
And get up and get my OWN
I was never the type of kid
To wait by the door and pack his bags
And sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there
Holding my tongue trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn’t tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you’re sitting
It’s probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other’s shoes, at least
What size you wear? I wear tens
Let’s see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see
What it’s like, to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes
Just to see what it’d be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other’s mind

Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other’s eyes

But don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked
Just stay true to you sOoOoo
Don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful
OoOo They can all get fucked
Just stay true to you sOoOoo

-Eminem, “Beautiful”