some people are natural communicators. they connect with others. they can share their lives, their experiences. and that’s natural to them.

i am more of a loner type. i have a small but close network, i watch my back. and i watch what i say and who i say it to. i’m slow to open up to people. characteristics of someone who remains intentionally distant to protect themselves against repeats of past hurtful experiences. this makes the blogging experience somewhat… interesting. just putting myself out there for whoever to read. an exercise in personal growth, maybe. eerie, yes.

and then there’s the whole thing i’m trying to convey about how people with… challenging… histories like mine still somehow reach success. more exercise in personal growth. exceedingly difficult for me. not at all typical of the girl who sits behind this keyboard.

it’s hard to keep up an appearance when i avoid too much attention. i do seem to actively keep people at a distance by a series of subconsciously calculated moves and words.

leigh comes off tough as brass knuckles. fearless. confident in her experiences, confident in where she will end up with the sufficient number of steps. she’s not your average girl, this is clear from the beginning. she doesn’t always know what to say, so sometimes she just says nothing. or the wrong thing. she can be a little awkward.

inside, she’s a little unsure of her next move, whether things will turn out for her, whether what she just said was right. on the other hand, she knows she’s got a history of having a good instinct: making the right moves, grabbing the right opportunities, knowing the right things. this girl applied to ONE college: the toughest admissions state college in her home state, practically on a whim, and got in. later it was a small handful of top-5 grad programs, she had her pick. she tries to balance the arrogance of her past successes with the self-doubts of the future.

she rewards friendship and camaraderie handsomely. she’s loyal as can be. a straight shooter. she’ll out-badass that crazy chick who you just spilled your beer all over, to get you out of a barfight. she’ll make you soup when you’re sick and always offer a helping hand or advice to anyone who asks.

but you’ll never know that from first meeting her. the first view you get of her in a casual meeting is the socially distant, very direct, she’ll-kick-your-ass version. just ask the younger grad students in her lab.

that’s just another part of who she is. the shell is tough. it’s good protection.